Her beauty cannot compare
by wouldyoulikeacupoftea
Summary: Jane is ready to confess his feelings towards Lisbon, but witnesses her kissing another man. Unable to fight for Lisbon's affections, he starts to write her letters in his notebook that he keeps hidden to prevent causing any friction in Lisbon's blooming romance. Jisbon in the very end. Don't own anything except my thoughts. Could be considered to contain spoilers from 6X16. AU x
1. Prologue

**Hey Guys, I'm sorry that I've haven't written for a while. I have a bit of writer's block. I promise to work on finishing my other two multiple chaptered stories as soon as inspiration hits. Here's something to tie you over. Still don't own The Mentalist.**

Today was the day that Patrick Jane had finally decided to confess his feelings towards Teresa Lisbon. It was not a last minute thing, but it took a long time before he felt ready to fall in love again. His pocket rocket partner was by his side through the good days and the bad. She faced the devil with him and was his rock when he needed it.

He was ashamed to think that he never really repaid her for her selflessness. He knew that she had a lot of affection for him, and hopefully loved him. He knew that playing with her emotions was never fair, but it was the best avoidance tactic, he could think of to prevent her to be on Red John's radar. It didn't work of course, considering that she was nearly killed because of Jane's mistakes and the time where RJ knocked her unconscious and used Partridge's blood to make his mark. Jane is still haunted by the memory of it. It features in his nightmares with his family, sometimes it's just his favourite females looking at him with dead eyes and accusing him of not caring about them.

The two years apart from Lisbon, gave Jane some time to find peace with the death of his family. He would never forget them but he focused on the good memories with them. Stuff like the way Angela's eyes would light up when he told her a corny joke or the way his daughter laughed when he spun her around in his arms. The problem with the separation was that he realised that life was miserable without Lisbon in his life. He always found her presence comforting as she always knew how to cheer him up. He began to imagine that she was with her. However, that was never enough, hence why he wrote her letters, mainly to still feel close to her but also to let her know that he was okay.

Back to the present, Jane witnessed Pike appear into his and Lisbon's lives. He was a charming man, and a good agent, however Jane felt threatened in his presence. Maybe, it was because Pike was genuinely interested in Lisbon and was not going to mess her around. He could see that Lisbon had taken a liking to him. Jane hoped it was going to be temporary because of course, he wants to be in a relationship with Lisbon as well.

Jane looked down at his hand as he eased his ring off his hand. He believed that it wouldn't be fair to try to win the heart of a woman whilst wearing the ring, he was given by another. He kissed the ring and put it into box and whispered "wish me luck". He gave himself a quick look in the mirror, before leaving his airstream to make his journey towards Lisbon's apartment. He had his origami rose safely sat in his pocket and he had put on the cologne that she bought him for his birthday.

He decided to take the stairs instead of the lift. He happily skipped up them, thinking about all the memories he was about to make with Lisbon. Stuff like candle lit dinners, spontaneous car trips and picnics to lazy Sundays, where they would eat breakfast in bed and maybe making love under the stars. His face was beaming as he rounded the corner, but recoiled when he saw them. In front of his eyes, Lisbon and Pike were kissing. He could see from where he was standing, that Lisbon was smiling into the kiss. That meant that she was interested in Pike too.

When they separated, Jane saw the look that Lisbon sometimes gave him in the past, on her face. She was happy. She was blushing at something that Pike said. That was when Jane knew that he had to leave. He was not going to jeopardise what she has with Pike for a relationship that could potentially fall on its face because he neglected her or her feelings. Jane's heart broke, but Lisbon was too important for him to lose and maybe he could still be able to keep her in his life if he backed off, He was going to let her be happy even if that meant only being her friend and being heartbroken himself.

Before the affectionate couple split their separate ways on Lisbon's doorstep, Jane turned around and quickly made his exit without making any noise. Once, he made it back into his airstream that the tears fell. For all the times, that he wanted to tell her how he felt but he chickened out, to how strong she makes him and how he longs to wake up next to her every morning to feel her snuggled up to him. He definitely was not going to mention that he went to see her, just in case she accuses him of spying on her or even worse that he was going to interfere in her love life.

All the thoughts of what could have happened if he admitted what he meant when he told her that he loved her before shooting her and that she was the sole reason that he came back to America, was consuming him. He felt trapped. Jane swiped his arm across his desk, sending stuff flying on the floor. But, that was when he saw it. The letter that he wrote Lisbon on the flight back to America. He never gave it to her, but he touched the paper and realised what he could do to numb the pain. He would write Lisbon letters of how he felt about her in a notebook. No, she wasn't never going to see them, but Jane needed to do it to control himself. He cleaned up the chaos that he created, and picked up another gift from Lisbon, it was a leather bound notebook and engraved pen set. Consequentially his favourite, he climbed on his bed and began to write.


	2. 300314

Thanks for the reviews, Thank you to the kind Guest, that reminded me that I didn't put a spoiler alert in summary and gave too much away. I forgot that not everyone reads spoilers or want to be spoiled. Hopefully, you can forgive me.

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** PROPERTY OF P JANE,**

** HANDS OFF OR FEEL THE CONSEQUENCES**

** 30/03/14**

_ Dear Teresa, _

_If you're reading this, I'm either dead or we've been together for years and getting all wrinkly. I'm hoping for the second reason, but it most likely will be the first. I apologise that you are reading this, rather been told in person. You see, I've always been a coward when it comes to my feelings, I would say ask Angela, but that's impossible._

_ Anyway, this is the means I've chose to express myself, even if I hope you never get the chance to read this. I immensely enjoyed writing you letters whilst I was away from you for those two painful years. As you may read through the lines in those letters, I missed you so much that sometimes it felt like someone was reaching into my chest and ripping it from my chest. God, I even imagined you there with me, laughing at all my attempts to fit into the culture. Even showing me up with your impeccable spanish. I wasn't lying when I said that you would have enjoyed seeing the nature out there. We could have held hands whilst walking along the shoreline. Watching the sunset go down from the view off our balcony. I would say that probably waking up to you would have been enjoyable as well. I admit that when I ended up in hospital in those times, when we worked for the CBI, your face being the first one I saw was the only thing that made me relax._

_ Anyway to the present, I have to be truthful. Tonight, I actually was ready to tell you how I feel about you. I was going to tell you how you make me feel strong. How you made me feel like I'm not alone and someone actually cares if I die. I also wanted to say how much I adore you. Especially wanted to tell you that I love you. Not as a co worker, a friend, a sibling or even a partner. But as someone who worships the ground, you walk on. I know this feels cliché but I am utterly and completely in love with you._

_ I'm ashamed to confess that for a moment after I killed Red John, I considered to ended it all right there. I had the gun facing my throat, ready to blow my brains out. But, as I moved my trigger finger, I heard your voice. It was what you told me when we were arguing after you disobeyed my orders to hang back, but instead you decided to save me. I remember the words clearly. You said "**Can't you see there's people who care about you, who need you? You're being selfish and childish. And I want you to stop it**." That's the thing, I thought that if I committed suicide, I would have disappointed you. You see the thing is I need you, more than I feel I should. That makes me feel selfish and childish but I don't care. I need you more than the need to breathe._

_ Back to where I was, I went to your apartment tonight to be truthful to you, where I witnessed you and Pike kissing. I was going to interrupt but that would have been awkward for many reasons. My sweet Teresa, I saw the way that you smiled into the kiss and the look you gave him afterwards. It's the look of love. That was when I left. Pike's a nice dependable man, which I'm not. I would never want to jeopardise your happiness for mine. I've done it so many times, like leaving you at the side of road after the sunset confession. I also need to clear the air that when I said "Good Luck Teresa, Love You." I meant it. I wanted to scream it from the top of the buildings, I still do. But don't worry my dear, I won't. You are too important to lose._

_ I need to tell you throughout our undercover, you looked beautiful, even breath taking. I know that I criticised your acting skills most of the time. But, I only meant it to help you improve, which you have since the last time. I kept imagining kissing you throughout the party. I know that might have blown our cover since you would have been uncomfortable showing affection in front of Abbott and Fischer. I wouldn't have cared, I'd waiting a long time to kiss you, I just want to know what it would feel like. But yeah, I completely missed our moment. I will have to live with that as one of my biggest regrets after not telling you that I love you when I had the chance. Anyway, I think I better try and go to sleep, as I don't want you to notice the pain, I'm feeling or the tears tracks under my eyes._

_ Loving you from a distance_

_ Patrick. _

_xxxx_

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Till next time Amigos. :)


	3. 310314

**Watched the recent episode, it was so good! Did you see Jane's face at the end. OMG! I wanted to give him a hug so badly. I'm so conflicted about Pike because he's really nice, but I hope Lisbon would find him boring as he's so honest. He's good for her for now, but yeah. Still think Jane/Lisbon will prevail in the end.**

**Thanks kind people for reviewing my previous chapters. Hope I won't disappoint you.**

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**31/03/14- 4am**

_Dear Teresa,_

_It's 4am and I can't sleep. I'm ashamed to admit that I tossed and turned a lot. I honestly tried to get some sleep but when I did I was plagued with nightmares. Stuff like watching you die in front of my eyes to being too late to save you._

_Normally, in times like this, I would call you. But, I felt in this case, I shouldn't bother you. You see, all the times that I "prank called", I had just woken up from a nightmare. You see when times get tough, I like to listen to your voice. It's comforting. I know that i've never actually told you my nightmare, but I don't want you to worry any more than you already did._

_You've got a new guy in your life now. That has to become priority over my securities. I definitely do not want to call you in case, Pike is sleeping over. I don't want this to become any more awkward than it is now. I definitely don't want confirmation that you've slept with him either. That would likely cause another crack on my damaged heart._

_Writing to you right now, is soothing me a bit. I think that this will probably become a regular thing. It's not as good as talking you face to face, but this way is easier. I can imagine you sitting on the couch opposite my bed, listening patiently and contently as I spill my soul. You would also have a warm, comforting smile, ensuring me that you still care about me._

_Right as I don't think, I'm going to get any more sleep. I better get ready for work. Well at least, I get to see your pretty face instead of memorising it._

_Love_

_Patrick_

_xxx_

_–-_

**31/03/14- 10:30pm**

_Dear Teresa,_

_Seeing you enter the bullpen this morning was the highlight of my day. You looked so beautiful and carefree. I'm sad that I wasn't the man to make you look that way. But kudos to Pike for that. But what made me extremely happy was that you didn't have the after sex afterglow. I know that means you're serious in this relationship, but it buys me more time to get ready for that blow._

_It was very kind of you to bring doughnuts in for our own private celebration for solving the case. They were delicious, especially as I felt no urge to eat breakfast this morning. Not even my infamous scrambled eggs, That must be something right. But sadly, I hated the conversation that went with it._

_I'm sorry my dear, but hearing about how mouth watering the pancakes were and the things, you discussed with Pike was hard to swallow. You see, I already regret taking up that case for that poor woman. I know it's stupid and childish, but if I didn't take up that case, I would never have begun to lose you to a better man. Actually, screw it. It's my fault, maybe I should have told you point blank, that I love you and that I can't bear the thought of not having you by myself. Or that I really should have taken the opportunity to kiss you doing our act. Then maybe, I could have explained to you that I wasn't playing a part when I kissed you. Also, that I will wait for you to be ready. But, as per usual I balls that right up._

_I'm disappointed that I yet again missed out to Pike at lunch. Grr, why is my timing so rubbish! I spent my lunch, sitting in a nearby park with a semi decent taco. Yes, I was miserable. Probably because I'm so used to us having lunch together that this time, I felt lonely. You see my dear, I always enjoyed "our" time. We easily bantered between us. Now, I've got to get used to "you and Pike" time and me by myself. I know that I could have gone with Cho, but I don't think he wants to be around a miserable wimp._

_I was genuinely interested in what happened at lunch. I can see that you were thinking that I was planning some way to get rid of him. But, that's not the case. Your happiness is way more important than mine. My dear, I really hoped that you didn't think I was going to trash talk or even do a cold reading on him. I can see that you're both honestly into each other. I did think about threatening him to not mess you around, but I don't think that you'll have that problem. He seems a honest guy._

_I have fought the urge to do background research on him all day. But, if you found out, you would've told me to butt out your life again. It would wound me if you repeated the speech, you said on the plane, on our first case together for the FBI._

_I have to say, I hate having him and the rest of his team in the aquarium. I bloody hate it. I've already had enough of him looking at you whilst you're filling out your paperwork from there. That's my job. I did it all the time at the CBI, and now at the FBI as they gave me the couch I wanted._

_I love having my couch near your desk. It gives me the perfect view of you at all times. Also, it's comforting to know that you're only a few steps away from me. It makes me feel protected too. I wish sometimes, you would come and sit with me like old times, But, I guess that's not going to happen soon._

_Anyway, I guess right now, you're in bed on the phone with Pike, discussing your next date. I shiver at the thought of that. For the time I've known you, I've never seen you so serious about someone. That scares me as I just wish that it was me not him._

_Sweet Dreams Queen of my heart, I hope you sleep well._

_Love_

_Patrick_

_xxxx_

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**PS: I using this story to cope with the whole Lisbon/Pike storyline, so hopefully will keep it going till the end of that storyline, if my inspiration allows it. Feel free to send positive or negative reviews so I can hopefully keep this story enjoyable for every one.**

**Till next time. :)**


	4. 020414

**Hey guys, I do have plan on what could happen next, just figuring out if the chapters should be daily entries or less frequent**

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02/04/14

_Dearest Teresa,_

_I know that you thought my pranks yesterday were hilarious. Don't deny it. I saw you sneak a little smile when you didn't think that I was watching. I'm always watching you. Not in a creepy way of course dear. With all the love and emotion that you deserve. It's just i'm not the right person for that but I think you found him._

_I bet you're glad that I didn't choose you as one of my victims. You see, I don't think I would have controlled myself if I did. Probably would have ended up confessing my feelings towards you. You don't need that mess, especially as you have Pike. _

_Anyway, I don't deserve anyone pure, kind hearted and beautiful as you. I would destroy that. I destroy anything I touch. The CBI, the team, my family. I'm not willing to destroy that last thing I have in my life that's precious. You, of course._

_I have to say that knowing that Pike and you had another date pained me. I know that I'm supposed to be happy for you and not interfere. But sometimes, seeing you with him makes me so mad at myself. We could have had that. But I'm a self absorbed, smug, arrogant ass that wimps out at the thought of telling the woman that he loves that she is the centre of my universe. _

_I could spend hours writing you love poems and sprinkle them over your doorstep. But I'm afraid that you'll think that Pike wrote them for you. And because of that, you maybe willing to speed up your relationship before I could show you that i've changed because of you._

_I'm starting to think of ways that I could contribute back into the community, that I could do in my free time. But the problem is that i'm haunted by your face a lot. I don't want to do something like volunteer at the local children's hospital as an entertainer, then see a sick little boy or girl that would look exactly how I envisaged our imaginary children to look like. I know it's pointless to dream as it would be most likely that you'll have children with Pike._

_If you do, I beg you, please let me be one of their godparents. You don't know how much it would mean to me if you did. I would feel part of the family instead of the third wheel. It doesn't feel nice at all. I'm starting to understand why you acted the way you did when I was around Erica and Lorelei. It's very painful and as if someone is reaching in my chest again and ripping my heart out and stomping on it._

_But I have to make you understand that they meant nothing to me. Honestly, they were the correct people for me to surround myself with. But I deserve those type of women as they are as dishonest and vindictive as me. They are also people that can destroy lives on a physical and emotional level._

_Tonight, I went out for a drink with Cho. It was great! We shot a load of pool, drink beer and talked about our current case. I think that my poker face is still working as there was no hint that Cho knows how I'm feeling. At one point he looked sad about something. As if he saw Summer and her husband taking their baby for a walk in the pram. He also misses working with Rigsby, but we both know that. _

_When we parted ways, I saw you and Pike come out of Le Boum. You were smiling your special smile at him again. God, I wish it was pointed back to me again, but as I've written before, I'm a worthless leech clinging onto your friendship as a lifeline. Before you say that I'm lying, I hid when I saw you. You were wearing your beautiful silk green shirt paired with a black pair of skinny jeans that made your legs go on forever. To top it off, you were wearing your short boots and carrying a_

_gold clutch. I have to admit that I followed you home that night. I was so happy that you stopped the date with a kiss outside your door. It was heart breaking to watch, but I had to know if you were going to take the plunge. _

_I waited for Pike to leave before I got out the car. I walked up to your apartment and was going to knock but realised that you must be tired so I left. Anyway, I'm going to see you in 6hrs and I know how much you enjoy your beauty sleep._

_I'm going to hit the stack now so that I get to see you quicker._

_Night my Queen_

_Love _

_Patrick_

_xxxxxx_


	5. 040414

_04/04/14_

_Dear Teresa,_

_I've started taking up jogging as a hobby. I'm not saying that I'm any good at it, but I think I need to become fitter. If for some reason, you're unable to save me and I need to make a get away as quick as I can._

_Anyway, I saw you on my morning run today. I was running behind you but I felt like a perve, so I turned left down towards the fountain whilst you carried on your way. I must say that I see that you're still keeping yourself in good shape my darling. I know it's not for my benefit, but I must say that your ass is still second to none._

_I felt a bit creaky afterwards, which reminded me of the time I was kidnapped by Rachel and poked with a cattle prod. Now, that's an experience that I don't want to repeat. But come to think of it, at least she brought you to me. Also, that you were clever enough to hide one of those monitoring, tracking bugs things in one of your shoes. I'm glad that Hightower got to us when she did or we would have been minced beef._

_I have to confess that I'm trying to do some sit ups and press ups before I go to bed. They are blooming hard. Why is it so hard to keep in shape. I wish I was nearer the sea, then I could go swimming, but the water would be kinda cold today with all this rain. I know I could go swimming in the local swimming pool, but I prefer to be out with nature. _

_Maybe, I'll take a swim in the lake in the hills. I think I may try and hike my way up to it. I was get so hot and weary that the swim would relieve my aching muscles._

_Well the other reason, I'm trying to get back into shape is that I need to fit back into my tuxedo ready for the charity ball in a few weeks. No one wants to see the button on my trousers pop off in the middle of me entertaining the guest. I hope you're coming too, even if I have to buddy up with Pukey, hee hee, I mean Pike, to get him to persuade you to come. Especially in a dress._

_You look lovely in a dress. Hopefully this time, you'll pick one that's more colourful than the black one, you wore at one of the CBI fundraisers. I hope that I could steal a dance from you as well. You're an impeccable dancer. I'll love to have you in my arms again swaying to the music. I promise that I will only steal one dance. I'll then happily let Pike have you for the rest of the night as long as he's respectful of you. Just thinking about it, is bringing back memories of a murder at a school reunion and dancing to More Than Words with you._

_I hope you do not mind that I will forever believe that it is our song. Don't you see that I'm doing exactly what the song lyrics say. I'm not telling you I love you, I'm showing you that I love you. Anyway, who needs someone to say the things that you want to hear, when you could have someone that is willing to show you the rest of your lives that he loves you, through his actions. _

_The main examples that should have already shown that I love you:_

_Shooting Hardy before he shot yourself_

_Leaving you at the cliff to keep you from maybe getting killed by Red John when I confronted him_

_Staying behind when you told me to, when I was over my head with Lorelei_

_Taking you to see my family, i.e Sam and Pete_

_Telling you about my stint in a psychiatric hospital_

_Telling you about my past_

_Buying you expensive presents_

_Leaving the dating video where I knew you would watch it_

_Putting my hand on your lower back to guide you places._

_All the times where I made us undercover as a couple_

_Leaving you a message in your voicemail before I went on the run_

_Writing you letters whilst I was on the run._

_I've realised that throughout our years together, you are the only one that I've shown the real me. I'd like to keep it that way. I'll be okay on my own, I did it for two years. But, I guess sending you these letters would complicate things. I'll much rather prefer that you choose what happens in your love life than me destroying something that you think will last forever._

_I've got to go to sleep now, unless you want me to be cranky again._

_Sweet dreams_

_Love _

_Patrick_

_xxx_

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**Till next time; feel free to read, review and don't panic too much about Pike. :)  
**


	6. 140414

**_Hey, I'm back. Yeah, I've read the new spoilers. Eeek! I can't wait to see how the story pans out._**

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_14/04/14_

_Dear Teresa,_

_I am sorry that I haven't written to you for a couple of days. But what can I say, it has been a busy week. I have to say my darling, you are confusing me. A lot! Sometimes, you're all lovey dovey with Puke. The next you're looking at me as if you're longing for me to react. No chance dear. _

_I can't show you my real feelings because I don't think that you should break up with Puke. Even though I love you with all my heart. I can't give you what you deserve. A reliable honest man that will follow your dreams with you and showering you with love is what you need. _

_Not a man that killed a man with his bare hands that is constantly plagued with the death of his loved ones. I'm better on my own. It means that I cannot hurt the people I love. Well, mainly you. I don't want to keep hurting you my dear. It pains me to think about it. _

_Damn, I'm crying now. My life is so messed up. I really can't drag you down into my darkest thoughts. Why didn't I just kiss you when we were reunited. Oh yeah, I was scared. I'm just an useless coward. No wonder why you went looking for someone else to love._

_Anyway, after you left to go on your date with Pike in that lovely black dress, I went for a walk in the park. It didn't really help. I kept seeing happy families and couples everywhere. I was literally the only person by themselves. _

_There was a couple that looked similar to us. It was so painful to see. The woman was sitting against a tree reading. Her partner was lying down with his head in her lap. She was stroking his hair tenderly. God, I wish we were them. I would be putty in your hands if you ever decided to run your fingers through my hair. I think I may even let out a purr. Oh, I get tingles from thinking about it._

_There was also a family that could have been us. The woman was heavily pregnant and quite tired from having to be on her feet for a long time. Her husband must have realised this as he told her to sit on the next bench and told her to rest. She stuck her tongue out at him. The man got a football out of the rucksack that he was carrying it and handed it to his two boys to play with. He sat down next to her, then proceeded to take his wife's shoes off and gave her a foot massage._

_My love, that is actually what I would have done if we were that family. I would give you foot massages whenever you wanted. Hell, I would give you the whole body massage with those fancy pants oils. The stuff that makes your hands smell like it for hours. I would even join you on a couple massage session. Okay, should stop thinking about giving you massages because it's making my heart ache again._

_Seeing all the things, that I could have had if I wasn't late to tell you about my feelings made me extremely tired that I took a nap on one of the park benches. Long story short, I met someone special there. Her name is Isabelle. She thought I was homeless at first. Well, I can't blame her._

_I do look like a tramp compared to the days we worked for the CBI. I was too tired to tell her that she was wrong. She guided me up from the bench and took me on a walk. She reminded me of you in a nice way. She is caring and selfless. She also didn't take no as an answer when I refused to go with her the first time. It turns out that she was taking me to a soup kitchen. When we got there, I explained that I wasn't homeless but was love sick. _

_She listened to me pour my heart out about you and gave me a quick pat on the shoulder to tell me that everything is alright. I don't know if I've forgotten to mention that like you she's happily in a relationship. However, she's known the guy for three years and I bet he's going to propose her soon. Good women like that don't appear that often, If you thought that I'm going to interfere with that relationship, i'd rather not. Anyway, she's at least ten years younger than me._

_She helped me feel welcome. If you're wondering, yes, the soup kitchen is the place I sneak off to these days. I enjoy helping to feed them. I also enjoy listening to their stories. They are the most interesting people I've come across. Much better than the people I had to rub shoulders with during my stint of pretending to be psychic. _

_I am ashamed to say that being with them stops me from thinking about our situation. I think that the need to help the homeless at that shelter is so empowering. Much more than solving crimes. Seeing the joy on a desperate old woman being giving food and is grateful for people like Isabelle is worth it. I finally understand why you stayed by my side through the dark days, it was because the buzz you got when I had a good day._

_I'm not saying that i'm doing all this volunteer work to make myself feel better. But to encourage myself to become a better person like you. I did consider that I may sign up for the Big Brother, Little Brother programme but our job is too demanding for that. The soup kitchen fits in nicely and I get to use my tricks to entertain the needy so they can also forget about their problems._

_Can you believe that the FBI fundraiser is in a couple of days. Time flies when you're having fun as people like to say. I think it's a peculiar phrase. Time can't fly. I can't wait to see you in your ballgown again. I hope that you'll let me have a dance with you. It would make my evening._

_Got to go, sorry for the smudged letter, I get emotional when I think about us and how our lives should have been._

_Night my sweet Teresa_

_Love_

_Patrick_

_xxxx_

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**Should I jump straight into the letter after the fundraiser or put another chapter in between? **_  
_


	7. 170414

**Hey Readers. Thanks for the lovely reviews. This chapter may be uncomfortable in places and OOC.**

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_17/4/14_

_Dearest Teresa,_

_I know that you slept with Pike last night. I know that you tried to hide it from me, but love, I can read you like a book. The tells were that you didn't use your usual shampoo this morning. Just the same tell that help me figured out whose cabin, the victim was in prior to her death. Also, you were very jumpy when you walked into the office this morning._

_I have to admit that now that I know that your relationship has moved into the physical, I feel heartbroken. Like someone has thrown my heart against the wall and it's shattered all over the floor. Is this what you felt like when I slept with Lorelei? Because if it was, I am so sorry, Teresa. I honestly never want to hurt you. But that's what I always do. I hurt the people I love._

_I still wish there was another way to get information from her without having to violate my own body for it. I swear it was plain sex, no strings or emotions attached. I blanked out the whole time so that I didn't have to think about what you or Angela would think about it. I don't like to think that the two most important women in my life were disgusted by me. I can't bear it. I need you, Teresa. I promise that I was saving myself for you, but I know that no longer sounds special. I'm sorry._

_When I came back from Venezuela, the plan was to show you subtly that I love you. As you see, it has failed. Big time. I am fighting trying not to control your life, but it's getting hard. You probably notice at these times, I disappear from the bullpen. I promise that I'm not causing trouble when I'm gone. _

_The truth is that I either go and hide in my Airstream or walk down to the hidden fountain in the park opposite. I use this opportunity to cry away from the public eye. I cry for my family, for messing up my chances with you and the situation that my stupid decisions have put me into. _

_Anyway, things have turned completely awkward at the soup kitchen. Isabelle's cousin, Dianne, has been overly flirting with me. She's been standing too close to me when I'm dishing up the soup. She has been touching me inappropriately as well, by grabbing my bottom whenever she passes me. One time, she groped my genitals in the store room. I now get how women feel in the office environment, when they are sexually harassed by their slimy boss. I've told her many times that I'm not interested in her, but she won't stop. She keeps saying it's cause I'm "a sex god" and that she wants to climb me like a tree. She's a married woman with three young children as well. God, she made me free cheap. I refused her advances for the last time yesterday, and quit. _

_I just dreaded going near that place in the end. It's a depressive environment that I can imagine that I would have ended up in if I didn't have you throughout our CBI years. Luckily, because things have started to get busy again at work so I wouldn't have had the time to continue it._

_On a lighter note, have you heard the new water cooler gossip. Probably not, you tend to keep yourself to yourself. Anyway, some bright spark has spread a rumour about Abbott around the office that he has questionable tastes in the bedroom. I know that's not an image that you would like to think about. That stuff really should be kept private. But, I'll love to be a fly on the wall when he finds out about that._

_Oh, there's something that you should know. I know I'm supposed to be truthful to you. I let myself into your apartment the other day. I don't think that you've notice to be honest. You were out with Pike for another date and I was feeling lonely. I just couldn't sleep on my couch or in my Airstream. I needed you, but I can't the thought of you telling me that I've ruined your date. I just don't want to be a burden on you. Back to what I did in your house. I slept in your bed, it's so comfy. I hope that Pike never christens it, because I wouldn't be able to use that bed any more and I'm beginning to get attached to it. I know that thought is creepy and I violated your rights by doing it. I guess I'll only attempt to sleep in it when I know that you're sleeping over Pike's. _

_Don't worry, I'm fully clothed when I'm in your bed and I cover up the trance of my cologne by spraying your perfume over it and open the window to vent the room. I have to admit that it was the best sleep that I've had in a long time. The only thing that ruined it was that I dreamt of you and me being together. It was a beautiful dream, was painful because it will never come true._

_We were doing mini magic shows for the children in the hospital. You, of course was my beautiful assistant like you were this afternoon. You were giggling through out the whole of our routine. We looked so happy, I wish it would become true, but probably won't. _

_You chose to wear this beautiful silky dress with a sweetheart neckline. You looked like the princess you always are. The strange thing was that around your neck was a modest ring linked through the chain of your necklace. I hope this isn't foreshadowing what will happen with you and Pike._

_I don't think I can handle, you being engaged to him just yet. But, I think I'm being paranoid about that as you've only been with him for a couple of weeks now. So I think I should take some deep breaths and try to relax. No one proposes to their girlfriend after a few weeks, that would be insane._

_Right, I better get some sleep now, otherwise you'll be able to see what I'm feeling. I just don't want to think that I am manipulating you with them. In the end, it's your choice who you want to be in a relationship with._

_Night Dear._

_Love _

_Patrick _

_xxx_

* * *

_ **Toot! Toot! Next chapter is the day of the Fundraiser and Jane's thoughts before going to it. Till next time. :)**_


	8. 180414

**Thank you for carrying reading this and reviewing. I hope I'm doing my storyline justice.**

* * *

_18/04/14_

_Dearest Teresa,_

_Tonight is the night. The FBI fundraiser has finally come. Thousands of dollars spent on one night for us to chill. I can't wait. As you can see, I'm quite giddy thinking about it. Or maybe it's because I cannot wait to see what you'll be wearing._

_You will look beautiful, i'm sure of it. You always do. Sweet Saint Teresa. The cream of the crop. You could have been a model if you wanted to. Your silky shiny raven hair always looks amazing even on those days where you cannot be bothered and put it in a messy ponytail. I love the feel of your hair through my fingers._

_I'm always willing to put you put on your jacket so I can sneak a feel of it. Those were the glory days. I like to think that you find it comforting too. Especially when you woke up from a nightmare after being attacked by Red John. I'm so sorry that we fought and it gave him an opportunity to nearly kill you._

_That's one of my biggest regrets. I feel lucky that I still have you in my life. You don't know how much I panicked when you didn't pick up your phone. I thought that you were killed and put in the same position as Angela and Charlotte. I did never tell you that Red John answered your phone. You don't need to be told that. Well, you know now if you're reading this letters._

_I don't want to dwell on one of the most painful moments in my life so I'm going to revert back to talking about the fundraiser. I heard that the colour scheme was going to be simple white and black. I didn't like the sound of that so I suggested to Sarah, that they should change them to silver and light blue and a hint of emerald. Poor woman has a crush on me. I don't think she realised that I will never fit into her ticklist for her ideal man._

_I know that you hate her flirting with me. I see it in your eyes. I promise you that I won't date her. It's not fair on her as I love you. Only you. You will be my one and only if you suddenly decide that Pike wasn't the one. I would happily open my arms for you to come back into. I hope you know that._

_Oh, I've moved away from the point again. I've hired the best tux that I can afford with the wage I have from the FBI. It's not that bad. But I prefer something that fits better. I know that you'll like my choice. I'm bringing back the waistcoat back big time. _

_I'm eagerly await stealing you away for a dance tonight. I wonder if I could somehow get More Than Words to be played during the moment. I will even settle with dancing to Cotton Eye Joe with you if you feel dancing a slow dance with me is uncomfortable or inappropriate. I do love dancing. But, I hope I can avoid Mary and Elinor and the rest of that giggly crew. _

_I'll even try and get Cho to distract them. Maybe I could push Wiley towards them. He has a baby face. I'm sure that they would eat him up. Especially as he can now say that he helps to catch murderers and been undercover. Instead of saying that he analyses bank accounts and cctv. I'm proud of Cho for telling Abbott about Wiley's contribution to finding me. I think he fits quite nicely in our little expanded family. He's our naïve innocent little brother that's willing to learn and looks up to us._

_I know it's shocking but I don't have a date tonight. Oh well, at least it avoids having someone else's feelings getting hurt when I ask you for a dance. I hope you don't mind but I've chosen for you to be my assistant again as you always do a marvellous job. I think you'll enjoy what I've got in store for tonight. Even your Agent Pike will._

_Right, I better get ready or i'll be late. _

_See you soon my love._

_Love Patrick_

_xxx_

* * *

_**Ooh, next chapter will be when Jane gets back from the fundraiser. It's going to be super happy as Jane will be quite tipsy. **  
_

_**Till next time. x**_


	9. 190414

**Hey Guys, thanks for the comments. I'm thinking that train Jisbon is running down the track to Canonville. I've haven't proof read this, to make it seem a bit more like someone drunk has wrote it.**

* * *

_19/04/14_

_Hey Reesey baby,_

_You lovely creature, you. So beautiful. I enjoyed tonight so much. I'm grinning from ear to ear. Your so beautiful in your dress. Just wow. I think I forgot to breathe for a moment. Completely different from what you used to wear to the ones held by the CBI. You saucy minx. You knew that wearing a satiny red ballgown would do to me. Roar! _

_it's like your parading around only wearing a silk bedsheet. Letting me see the outline of your body. You want me to notice didn't you. You wanted to show me what i've been missing. It's okay, you can throw Pike out of the gutter after tonight. We're the ones that are meant to be. It's written in the stars. He was just keeping my seat warm. _

_If you would just tell him to get lost, we can be truly happy. Coz you're my pocket full of sunshine. You're love is all mine. Take me away, a secret place, a sweet escape to better days. I know the place, it's a place that nobody cries, there's only butterflies. Hee hee, I think I may have quoted a song, I heard on the radio on the way to the partay. Ha ha! BTW I got home alrighty. My man, Cho. Ice man, the hero of the hour put me in a cab._

_You're so beautiful. I hope i've told you that enough. If not, your beautiful, beautiful, so beautiful, very beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, B-E-A-U-T-I-FUL queen, my queen, queen of my heart. You're so gorgeous, that I'll do anything for you. Because you're gorgeous I know you'll get me through. _

_Hee hee! I know that you loved being my assistant tonight. You were great, so perfect. The best assistant in the world. It's coz you always have my back and that your so distracting. You nearly distracted me from doing my tricks correctly._

_I'm so happy that you accepted to dance with me, not only for one song, but three. Yeah, baby. Get in! Especially as one of the songs was Lady in Red. You get it. Right. Lady in red was dancing with me cheek to cheek. We were in our own world. There was nobody there except us. I saw that so many men wanted to dance with you tonight. I guess that they were intimidated by Pike, but I like to think that they don't want to cross me. Because I was the one that killed red john with my hands._

_Your dress was backless, I loved the feel of your skin under my palm as we danced. Your skin is so soft. Softer than a baby's. I did a cheeky stroke down your back. I feel the chill go down your spine. You love me, I know you do. You felt the electricity between us, the spark, the passion. Oh I wished I could have dragged you away to some latin american bar and do the argentine tango with you to Roxanne. Of course, you didn't sell your body to the night. My perfect little catholic girl wouldn't do that, but you have a naughty side that I want to explore._

_Run my nose from your ear, slowly down your neck towards where it connects to your shoulders. Place a soft lingering kiss there as my fingers investigate your body. Our conversation was always flowing through that dance. See, I think I should put a stop to your relationship with Pike. Eurgh, stupid name. He's named after a pukey fish, afterall. I know that you would be so much better as Mrs Teresa Jane than Mrs Teresa Boring Pukeyface fishy Pike._

_I'm a tad annoyed that they didn't play More than Words. It's our song. Why couldn't they just play that song. But, I don't mind the song for our last dance. I think it's called Magic by some british band called Coldplay. It expresses my feelings for you so much. It's like they wrote exactly what I want to say to you. Ooh! I was screaming internally when you laid your head on my shoulder. We looked like the perfect married couple. Take that Pukey fish! We're ment to be together, you and I, Reese. I wanted to kiss you tonight so many times. I held back because our first is going to be special. I will be sober. I will do the hollywood style and sweep you off your feet, if need be. You can't carry on pretending to be in love with that jerk, right. He hasn't told you that he loves you. I did. Many moons ago, but I said it and I meant it. I still mean it._

_Just tell him to sling his hook. Some other fish will bite. They'll be desperate like him but maybe that's what he needs after his messy divorce. He is no longer taking what's mine anymore. I'm taking you back. You're my partner, my best friend and future wife. I wanna you to have my babies, get serious like crazy. I want them springing up like daisys. Hee hee. I'll look after them all. I'll be the househusband, that does the cooking, cleaning, giving you foot massages, taking them to band practice and soccer games. You then could continue to be a badass and kick the crooks butt and have them eating dirt. Ooh, just thinking about it, is getting me excited._

_I'll see you and them in my dreams tonight._

_Love you Reese._

_Lots of love and hopefully passionate sloppy kisses._

_Your Paddy._

_xxxxxxxxxxxxxx_

* * *

**And next chapter will be back to sad.**

**Till next time.**


	10. 250414

_25/04/14_

_Dear Teresa,_

_It's official, you're severing all ties to me. Why! Why Lisbon? What have I done? I didn't start the gossip about that "You were cheating on me with Pike,". Honestly, if I know who did, I would've handed them on a platter to you. Nobody slanders your name. Not on my watch.  
_

_It's not my fault that we looked more like a couple at the fundraiser than you and Pike. We have chemistry. Chemistry that I believe that you don't with Pike. I know that he's been putting pressure on you to go with him to DC. I didn't think you would ever considering actually accepting it. As you see, I'm fuming. I see Pike for what he really is. A manipulator. He wants "the dream" and you seem to be a piece that he can fit into his puzzle, even if it's not a perfect match._

_I know that it's petty that I'm currently not at your going away party. But, I don't care. I FREAKING LOVE YOU, so no. I'm not going to watch you swan off that boring old codger. No Sheree. _

_You what, I saw him propose to you after you agreed to start a new life with him in DC. It was pathetic, unromantic and idiotic. Is he a prat? An insecure one with that. Who says "What the hell" before proposing to their girlfriend. It suggests that it's a whim and not significant. Stupid prat. Especially proposing after only dating a few weeks. EPIC PRAT! _

_Your reaction reassured me. You panicked. It gave me hope that you don't love him. You know what. I'm not going to stand on the sidelines anymore. I'm going to save you from this abusive relationship that you're in and put you in a better one. I.e with me. I may have lied and tricked you in the past. But no more. I've got 24 hours to show you the mistake you're making and how I feel about you._

_I'm so angry that I could drive over and trash the party, but I won't because I won't humiliate you like that. You know what, has "I love you" crossed either of your lips because I don't think you have. If you were mine, there would never be a time that I didn't say that I love you. Hell, I've written it many times during my letters._

_I love you and seeing you hurt like this makes me want to spit blood. I'm seriously considering..._

_Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxo_

Jane slammed the notebook on his couch. He was livid. How could someone who seemed perfect be that slimy. Yuck! He needed tea before he wrote the rest of the letter. He needed to calm down so he could create a foolproof plan to get Lisbon back.

He hauled himself off the couch and left the notebook open on his couch. There was no one around, so no risk of someone reading it. It was his last concern. First, he had to go and relieve himself and make a nice relaxing cup of tea. He made his way to the toilets grumbling about being stupid and blooming obstacles always getting in the way.

Meanwhile, Lisbon exited the elevator onto the bullpen. She had to find Jane. She needed to say goodbye and she wasn't going to leave till he gave it to her. She knew that he would be hiding somewhere around here after banging on the door of his airstream,a million times with no reply. Dammit, Jane was stubborn but not as stubborn as her.

She noticed that the couch looked like someone had lied down on it. The impression on the couch of Jane's body was very visible. So that's where he's been hiding. So she'll just wait for him on it. But what was this? There was a well worn notebook with Jane's scrawly handwriting across the pages. The thing that popped out at her was that it was addressed to her. She was debating with herself. Should she or shouldn't he read it?

* * *

**Ooh the dilemma. Will Lisbon resist temptation? I think the next chapter will be the last as I feel that I've ruined the story. Sorry Guys.**


	11. The truth is

**_So we've come to the end. It's been fun. Sorry, it's taken a long to write this, I've been rewatching the I love you and kiss scene over a couple of times. Amazing, anyway on with the story. Hope it concludes how you like._**

* * *

_Lisbon picked up the note__bo__o__k__ then ran her hand over __it's__ cover. She remembered that she gave him it for one of his birthdays. She was surprised it wasn't in pristine condition __as__ most of the other belongings he owned. _

_She knew that she should let him have some privacy, but maybe he had left the note for her to read, whilst he continues to hide from her. But, maybe it isn't. Maybe, it's some sort of letter that he hadn't finished writing__. _

_She went to put it back on the couch when four words popped out of the letter. __I FREAKING LOVE YOU. __Wait, what! When did Jane write a confession in a place that anyone could have sneaked a peek at it. She was intrigued. _

_She lowered herself onto the couch and got comfortable before reading the entry in front of her._

_ "____I didn't start the rumour that you were cheating on me with Pike!__" What! There's a rumour that I'm a cheating rat around the office. No wonder Chelsea has been giving me the stink eye. But she's been __sniffing around Jane since she's started working here._

_"____It's not my fault that we looked more like a couple at the fundraiser than you and Pike" __Do they? Lisbon frowned and got out two photos she had in her purse. One was of her and Pike at the FBI fundraiser, the other of her and Jane from the CBI fundraiser from years back. The smile between Jane and Lisbon in the photo looked much more natural. No wonder, people thought they were a couple for many years._

_"has "I love you" crossed either of your lips because I don't think it has". __No, they certainly not told each other that they loved each other. It was too soon right? But so was moving to DC with a man, she's only known for a few weeks. It's a lot more crazier idea than deciding to come to Austin with only the prospect of seeing Jane on a regular basis._

_After she read through that entry, she skimmed through the rest. Many of the phrases that Jane wrote made her breath hitch and made her cry. The phrases kept replying in her head._

_"____If you're reading this , I'm either dead or we've been together for years". __God, he didn't want her read this, but hard cheddars! She needs to know what he feels. Goddammit. He was going to tell her how he felt after the case where they were fake couple. The time where she thought that he was messing with her feelings, but turns out he wasn't._

_"____When I said "Good Luck Teresa, Love you" I meant it"__ Lisbon's heart raced at this. The rat bastard was witholding this information._

_"____Maybe I should have told you point blank ____that I love you" __What! Again, what! He wrote that he loved her. And in this one, he mentioned that he wanted to kiss her. What was going on? _

_She was about to read the next entry when she saw Jane exit the kitchen and was making his way to his couch. She's going to do it. She's going to confront him._

_Whilst she was reading the letters, Jane was staring at himself in the mirror in the bathroom. He ran his hands over his face. When did he last look this tired. Must have been when he was chasing Red John. But, the lack of sleep was down to a broken heart than the helplessness of maybe not being able to complete his revenge._

_He desperately needed that cup of tea before he could run through his plan to get Lisbon to stay. Definitely __would__ require a expensive hotel, beautiful dresses and a beach. Maybe stand and look at the sunset and do a redo of one of the most painful moments in her life. He made his tea on autopilot. He also __needed to finish his letter to feel less wired. __Also write another one telling her that her beauty cannot compare._

_Jane made his way back to his couch when he noticed Lisbon sitting on it and he smiled. But it was short lived as soon as he recognised what she had in her hands. "Crap!" he thought as the smile fell off his face. _

_"Jane, __are these__ true?" she asked in a shaky voice. This wasn't the way he wanted her to know about the letters._

_"__What does it say?__" He replied, swallowing the truth._

_"__You know exactly what I'm talking about, the letters in this notebook."_

_"Ahh, I sorta can't remember what I wrote because I must have been hyped up."_

_"You know what, I'm done with his crap. I came to say goodbye to you and you threw this all in my face yet again. You're so twisted in your lies that you don't know how to be a decent human being. I glad to go DC now to get away from you!" she screamed as she stormed past him. _

_"Lisbon... Wait!" Jane shouted but she didn't turn around. "Teresa.." he said softly but __still __sounded defeated. The emotion in his voice made her stop in her tracks. Seeing her stop, gave Jane courage to say what she needed to hear._

_"You're right, you're right. I have forgotten how to act like a normal human being. And I play games, lie and trick people to avoid the truth of how I feel. And the idea of anyone getting close to me is terrifying for obvious reasons." Lisbon turned around to face him. She couldn't leave till she knew the truth._

_"The truth, Teresa, is that I can't imagine waking up knowing that I won't see you." His voice broke when he said this. Lisbon was trying to hold back her tears. It was the same as she felt __about him. _

_ "The truth is... I __love you." There he said it. Tears freely ran down both of their faces. _

_"Woo, you don't know how good it feels to say that out loud. But, it scares me and it's the truth. It's the truth of how I feel. I know it's maybe too late and I understand. That's okay. I needed to get to this and you deserved to hear it." Jane hung his head down once he heard her footsteps._

_But wait, they were coming towards him not away from him. He felt her hand on his cheek before he saw her._

_"Do you mean what you said?"_

_"Yes. I meant it, every word"_

_"Good..." she smiled at him _

_"__Am I interrupting something?" Pike__'s voice suddenly appeared._

_"No," Jane said quickly._

_Jane put on his mask immediately to avoid Pike from seeing his tears and seeing him look vulnerable in his presence. But, Pike wasn't as perspective as Jane that he wouldn't notice anyway. Lisbon moved away from Jane a bit, but was still in arms' distance of him._

_"Yes, you sort of are." Lisbon responded, "can we go somewhere private and talk?"_

_"I'm sure that anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of Jane, Teresa."_

_"Very well Marcus, you say that you have feelings for me and we have some sort of connection, but do you love me?"_

_"I... I... I feel something for you, but it's not love just yet but it can turn into it."_

_"So to be clear, what you feel at his moment isn't love?"_

_"Err no" Pike uttered._

_"If that's the case, I'm not going to DC with you."_

_"What! Why?"_

_"Why should I move to DC where there is a potential to be loved, when I can stay and actually be loved?"_

_"It's a great move..."_

_"For you, Marcus. For you. You're so desperate for the perfect life that you__'re moving too fast. You need a fresh slate in a new place. Take time to establish yourself and maybe on the way, you'll find a woman that would be happy to stay by your side till the end. But my advice is let the relationship run it's course as you sure as hell would chase off a lot of women with proposing after a month. I wish you well." Lisbon gives him a kiss on the cheek and watches him walk back to the elevators __to disappear out of sight__._

_Jane's mouth dropped. Did she really choose him? The cynic, murderer and renown liar and magician __over a steady relationship with an honest man._

_Lisbon turned around to see the confused look on Jane's face. "What?" she asked with a hint of a smile._

_"Nothing,"_

_"Come on Jane, you look confused. Something must be going on in your head. Spit it out." She remarked as she walked back to him. She placed her hand on his cheek, "Please, Patrick, tell me what's on your mind."_

_"I was thinking that I cannot believe that you chose me over Pike."_

_"Who says that I chose you, I may have chose__n__ Cho." __she chuckled._

_"Don't mess me with me, woman." He teased._

_Lisbon wrinkled her nose as she seductively asked "Say it again"_

_"Say what again." _

_Lisbon gave him a "you know exactly what I mean, mister" look, not __moving her eyes__ away __from his__._

_Jane gave her a predatory look as he lowered his lips to hers. He places his finger under her chin to tilt it up for the perfect angle. The kisses were soft and hypnotising. The kisses were like they were making love with only the use of their mouths. When they broke apart, they smiled simultaneously gazing into each other's eyes. _

_Lisbon moved away first. But, she grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the elevators. "Come on, you need to make up for lost time."she uttered._

_"Gladly, my dear, Gladly." He responded. He didn't know till he heard the jangle of his keys, that she had taken them. But, he would follow her anywhere and I guess it was payback for leaving her on the beach many years ago. He was looking forward to the punishment, __that she planned for him__._

_**THE END**_


End file.
